As we approach the end of 2022, we, at least feel, like the covid pandemic is nearing an end. That may not be the case but the threat that it as posed to our daily lives is in decline.

I once read that we are missing the big picture when we witness a contented mother and infant in a warm, loving embrace. Their eyes locked on each other with soft cooing from the baby met by echoing sighs from the mother.

Let me begin by saying that happy couples are not happy all the time. Maybe a better way to say it is to say that some experience more happiness than others and there are reasons why.

In our current challenging time with the Covid-19 virus we are more isolated. One of the things that helps us as humans to manage stress and fear is to feel connected to those that love and care for us. Often our devices stand between us and the comfort and connection we crave.

Touch is our first language and our first experience of comfort from another. It is needed to convey the care, affection and attention we need as infants. We come into the world as the these tiny beings with all the powerful emotions we will have in our adult form. When we are upset, we need to be soothed, calmed and held. The quality and energy of that holding and stroking is what helps us calm and over time helps us learn how to calm ourselves.

In this unprecedented time, we need to be skillful in our communication with our spouses or significant others. What topic, usually unaddressed, needs to be communicated and discussed?

We are going through an unprecedented and difficult time with the economy shutting down, unemployment near depression levels and families sheltering in place. The covid-19 pandemic has created tremendous stressors for our nation and the world.

Men and women have different ways of communicating. Yes, we share words to communicate and we can also use silence.

Couples Counseling is the best way for couples to work on the conflicts that cause distance and hurt.If both people enter couples counseling with a willingness and commitment to make things better things will be better.

I have worked with couples where expressing affection has been difficult for one or both parties. They are both committed to one another and to the relationship but they lack the ability to express their love and connection.

David Richo’s book, How to be An Adult in Relationships, discusses the five key elements of healthy relationships.  They are called “the five A s” and are...

All relationships start from a place of effortless intimacy. It is exhilarating  to talk for hours on end, disclosing your innermost thoughts, dreams and desires. It is like someone you have been waiting for your whole life has finally arrived. 

As we approach the new year it is a good time to look back and to look ahead.  First to look back at this last year and review what worked well in your relationship and where improvements can be made in the new year.

With the couples I see there is one area that we always need to focus on: clear communication. The root of so much that causes distance and hurt in relationships is miscommunication. Patterns seem to becomes habitual over time and never get corrected so that the couple is left wondering what their partner meant or what they really want.couples

     It is said that couples often come to couple’s therapy too late. They wait too long to seek help which makes it unlikely they will achieve good outcomes. In part, the problem is that they come in “in crisis.” That means they have used up any reserves of good will and patience to deal with one another. They most likely have been miscommunicating for a long time and both are feeling misunderstood, taken for granted, etc. One person may have started an affair to find some place where they do feel understood and cared for.

Some couples come to see me knowing that they are on thin ice and want to explore if their marriage is salvageable. We look at the things that drew them together; what was attractive and engaging about the other and what dreams they shared when they began.  I have them make an inventory to see if there is enough good left to make it worthwhile to work on.

It is a really good idea for couples to schedule weekly “marriage meetings” whether married or not. The purpose of these meetings is to create a regular opportunity for you to connect and take care of and assess your “state of the union.”

When I am working with couples it helps me make sense of the challenges they face by using song titles to create categories to understand the stages and challenges of relationships. It adds an element of play and helps break the sense of isolation that couples feel when they think they are the only relationship that is struggling.